A Pleaser Suits Herself
Personal style isn’t just skin-deep; it offers a way to heal from within
Pictured: Phoebe’s current style: a little bit of workwear (the boots), a little bit of menswear (the shirt), and a tiny dash of emo (black jeans and downcast gaze).
By Phoebe Bates Berry
Instagram
Let me tell you, this essay was going to go in an entirely different direction. My original plan was to discuss my transition from wearing whatever I wanted as a university student to wearing predominantly athletic wear as a full-time gymnastics coach. I wanted to talk about how difficult it was to limit my clothing choices. But then I started to wonder why. Why was it so difficult for me to let go of the outfits I wore in university? Why did I ever care about what I wore in the first place?
I think there are some things you should know about me first. Although diagnosed only recently, I’ve dealt with body dysmorphic disorder for as long as I can remember. In elementary school I assumed people thought I was the ugliest kid they had ever seen. Coupled with social anxiety and the constant fear of upsetting people, my self-esteem has never been particularly high.
“I always positioned myself in whatever niche felt relevant without being too mainstream. In hindsight, it was all very calculated.”
To cope, I tried to convince others of my worth. My belief was that if they thought highly of me then I would think highly of myself. This is where clothing comes in. What I suddenly realized while writing that original essay was that I use my outfits to communicate my worth and have been since the beginning of high school 15 years ago.
As a teen, I wanted people to notice me. I wanted to feel important and cool and confident, despite thinking I was the exact opposite. So I figured if I could portray someone important, cool and confident through my clothes I could convince other people that I was those things and then, in turn, convince myself. Whether what I was wearing felt true to myself, I couldn’t really say.
What I felt qualified as “important and cool” varied widely over the years, but there have been a few notable choices. From my emo phase in high school, to university hipster, to my brief attempt at trying to look French — I always positioned myself in whatever niche felt relevant without being too mainstream. I wanted to be unique without being out of touch. In hindsight, it was all very calculated.
“In the past, I felt I was dissatisfied because I couldn’t achieve the style I was after. Now I realize that it’s not the outfit I didn’t like, it was myself.”
That brings us to now. I say all of this as if it’s in the past, as though I’ve had some grand epiphany and transcended the need for the approval of others. I haven’t, and perhaps that’s why I have so much trouble transitioning away from the outfits I wore prior to becoming a full-time coach. As a coach, my choices are limited to athletic wear, and such is the case for everyone around me. And if everyone around me dresses the same as I do, I can’t stand out in the way that I would like. I can’t communicate that I’m “important and cool” and, ultimately, because I can’t communicate my worth through my clothes, I’m struggling to communicate my worth at all.
So, I’ve had this realization. Now what?
What I’ve come to understand during this writing process is that I’ve spent a lot of time running away from myself. Running away from my looks, my personality, my likes and dislikes. Whatever it was, if it was mine, it was bad. I think the difference now is that I have enough clarity to realize that unless I address my underlying feelings about myself, no amount of outfit changes will make me feel worthy. In the past, I felt I was dissatisfied because I couldn’t achieve the style I was after. Now I realize that it’s not the outfit I didn’t like — it was myself.
In an effort to improve my mental health, I’ve started a daily practice of mindfulness meditation. Among other things, mindfulness teaches you to accept your experience without judging whether it’s good or bad. I figure that I can apply this practice to develop a true personal style — one that isn’t influenced by other people’s feelings. Specifically by using the acronym RAIN (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture), developed by Tara Brach. In short, RAIN is a process of first recognizing and accepting or allowing your feelings, followed by an inquiry into what you need to support yourself in the moment. For instance, if I put together an outfit I dislike solely because I made it, I would first name this self-loathing, then I would accept the feeling, and finally I would do some inner work to discover what that hurt part of myself needed in that moment. Likely, I would repeat the mantra, “I am good.”
Image credit: Margaret Howell via Vogue
If I’m honest, I’ve never thought about what I like independent of other people’s opinions. So, in order to practice what I preach, I’m going to attempt to explore my likes and dislikes without judging them to be good or bad. After an initial exploration using this new approach, I came up with a moodboard.
What I’ve discovered is an appreciation for a) British designer Margaret Howell, and b) the mix of traditional mens and womenswear. I like the mix of dark neutrals and the workwear silhouette. The youths might call this style “dark academia.”
“Exploring my personal style might seem like an unimportant activity, it’s turning into a celebration of who I really am.”
My personal style is important to me if for no other reason than that I like looking at aesthetically-pleasing things. But I think it serves a more important function. Self-loathing is an insidious thing.
For the longest time, I didn’t even recognize it in myself, but it was always there, subtly guiding every decision I made. By discovering what I like, and making the effort not to judge it, I’m taking steps toward softening that self-loathing and accepting myself as an individual. By acknowledging the worth of my opinion in this area, I’m easing myself into self-acceptance in other, more impactful ways. So, while exploring my personal style might seem like an unimportant activity, it’s turning into a celebration of who I really am. And, believe you me, it’s been a long time coming.
Editor: Iris Aguilar | Designer: Kelsey Wolf | Copyeditor: Kate Frankowicz | Communication/Support/Outreach: Meg Chellew & Elise Nye
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